we made it (histry) my hed feals lite

good morning. it's december now. i forgot that sort of. we did blogs agen seems like. i liked reading them all. it was fun. it's colder now. hi everyone

daily picture for the lst time evr

humorous caption: ****
serious caption: i. cant. believe. it's. over.

i'm taking a break from the internets. my attention span is 'zero' and i've stopped reading and i've stopped writing. there is stuff i'm supposed to do and i'm not doing it. until i've finished a new book i wont blog/go on facebook/talk on gmail/use twitter/read things online. i'm going to check my emails twice a day. once in the morning and once when it goes dark. im going to ask some people if they want my twitter account for ~a week but probably they wont. i think i will lose ~75 followers.

today i am going to go and read and then i have to get a train to a meeting. i dont feel like i will say anything in the meeting. i feel scared of going outside today. feel like as soon as i go outside a lion will try to eat me and i will say 'why is this happening' and it will say 'this is 'the outside' you arent in bed now jesus'

if anyone wants anything or wants to just be talking people
then my email is
brooksben at hotmail dot co dot uk
feel like i will get better at responding to emails now

thanks for being nice humans everyone
nightnight

i like being tired and not having to do anything which is all the time i guess

i could probably save the plant in my room from dying

but I am not going to

when I have plants the plants die

i wanted a bonsai tree for like a year

then I got one and I let it die

i kept it on my windowsill

and it had no leaves

and it looked good like that, I thought

it is probably not good to have a lot of dead things in your bedroom

it probably depletes your heart or something

i feel as terrible as a cactus

hm

i feel like a pencil case that used to have pencils in but doesn’t have pencils in anymore

just a tiny eraser and a 2p coin

not really im being stupid

i feel like a human person lying in a bed at 3oclock on a Thursday

thinking about doing a lot of things

understanding that I am not going to do any of them

i don’t know why my brain still thinks about doing things

seems like

stupid

seems a waste of time/energy/brainstuff

i want my brain to not think about doing things that I am not going to do

like washing or cooking or replying to emails

or writing another book

feels like that isn’t happening

imagine if you won a Pulitzer prize

did you imagine it

i am imagining it

feel like my speech would be dumb if I won one

because I’d be ‘in shock’ or something

it would probably be

‘thank you for this Pulitzer prize’

or like

‘this is great I love this’

i wish my dreams were plots from YA novels

because they have been very serious lately

and I am worried about what that means

like I had this one four days ago

where I kept watching this man secretly rape children

and I was like ‘better not tell an adult otherwise he will rape me too’

but then I did

and he tried

and the dream ended with me in a room

and him outside the room

and him saying ‘let me in’

and me saying ‘no you’ll just rape me if I let you in’

i felt heavy when I woke up

but I did what I always do

i boiled the kettle and made a cigarette and sat at the desk upstairs

i typed on my computer while thinking

i hate this

jesus

sometimes

right before I fall asleep

i say

see you tomorrow

to myself

ufsi daisy

good morning person. how is the world today. seems quiet. my arms have been heavy lately. sometimes they will get 'too heavy' midway through doing something and i will stop doing it. feel like this blogpost will be long/have lots of pictures in it. here is a picture that a kind human man took of copies of grow up in a 'hmv' (i think) in it i am hanging out with my pals brett and fran and hunter.

listening to 'dashboard confessional' right now. want to drink tea but dont want to make tea. halp. okay going to make tea. okay the kettle is boiling right now. not sure why i put this jumper on. it isnt cold. just 'seemed natural'. okay made tea.

some pictures from crossing border appeared. here is a picture of me reading before patrick wolf. hi people. people were very quiet and did laughing in the right places.

here is a 'backstage' pic. i hadnt slept and didnt want to be in any pics.

here is a picture of humans on the bus to antwerp. i was going to label it but now im not. if you look on the middle left you can see adam levin's bald head and i am sat one in front of him.

sorry for all the pictures. have i ruined everything. here is one more picture. it is of me talking to people in front of other people.

okay. 'enough of that'. just imagined a tv advert shown during a war where a woman takes something out of an oven and turns to a camera and says 'i crumble under pressure' then her/her family (minus the 'drafted' men) sit around a table and eat the 'apple crumble' with ice cream.

My friends call me ‘the grasshopper’ because this one time I crawled under my bed and rubbed my face against the carpet until my carpet burns were so severe that I passed out

Not really

My friends call me ‘blaze’ because this one time I was walking a dog and then I gave the dog away to a man because he looked said and I associate dogs with happiness even though they cant smile

Not really

My friends call me ‘gaystyles’ because this one time I spent 33 hours on the internet

Not really

My friends call me ‘one leg short of a chair’ because this one time I cried in the bath until the bath was overflowing and then I called a plumber and the plumber just told me ‘the problem is inside of your hart’

Not really

I only have ~ 3 friends and they mostly call me ‘ben’

I never really had a nickname except for when I was 10 and the girl I had flute lessons with called me ‘benjamin bunny’ sometimes

We’d always go back to our classroom to get our coats after flute and the classroom would be empty because school would be over and I’d say ‘let’s have sex’

One she said ‘fine’ and I just stared at her for a while and then left

here is the spanish version of grow up

breaking up that text baby. what a considerate guy. dw there is more eye candy to come. feel really hungry but feel like after I eat food I nearly always feel ‘emotionally drained’. feel like i get the same feeling after eating as i get after engaging in a mild to moderatelyserious argument. just thought 'shit i havent drunk my tea' then took a big gulp of it then felt 'overwhelmingly moronic' for a second. 

Pablo poveda came to stay for a couple of nights and we talked about writing books and luna Miguel and tao lin and jordan castro. On the first night I was tired from not sleeping. We met up at 1 and went to drink beers and then got a train home and drank more beers. I went to bed at like 7pm and slept for a long time. The next day I felt bad and I went and sat in my room and tried to work but just watched ‘book klub’ again and then felt less bad. Then we drank and stayed up and talked more and cooked and I felt better and it was good. Pablo’s ladyfriends from notting hill came over and I think one of them might have been wearing fur but im not sure. We played knuckles and I’ve got a few big scabs today. He had to wake up early this morning to catch his plane. Byebyepablo. Feel like the whole time I wanted to call him ‘pebbles’ but I didn’t really have ‘the balls’

here is the catalan version of grow up. when they sold catalan rights i said 'what's that' and so did my mum

in spain people wear kilts and wield red baseball bats seems like. should i try to take author photos where i am 'flipping the bird'. not sure. yelawolf said that when he got a picture with justin bieber he tried to 'flip the bird' but justin bieber's manager wouldnt let him. good try yela. 

Feel like it might be time to work out what my ‘brand’ is. I am pretty ‘all over the place’.  I wrote books where the words were different sizes and then I wrote a book about bored teenagers where the words were the same size. I gave some money away on twitter.  I shouted in some tinychats. I started blogging again. Would like people to think of me as ‘that guy who [defining characteristic of new brand]’. Maybe ‘that guy who writes about feet’. Or ‘the guy who cooks very well’. Or ‘that guy who invented [new way of writing]’.

nothing is going to happen again is it

hope everyone in the world is good

email me if you want to do guestblogs still

or if you want to be interview by me in my inimitable interviewing style

brooksben at hotmail dawt co dawt uk

nightnighthumans

guest post: sarah sahim (hallo human persan)

I have made this youtube playlist for you, please enjoy it and listen to it whilst reading this pointless post.

As a ‘yoof’ of today, I feel like I am losing touch with the world around me, I am already starting to feel too old for my time, not only in my mind is this reflected but I already have two fucking white hairs and Steve Buscemi's eyes if they were bigger and brown.

The cognitive repercussion of my physical ‘attributes’ is that I am ready to retire in Ireland, on my own, with a banjo, growing potatoes, getting drunk and manifesting my intoxicated, belligerent, misanthropic teenage self and this will be due to the fact that I have yet to achieve what I want despite being a 'tender yoof'.

I do not feel tender anymore, I feel like mutton.

it appears (according to some of the more yoof-slotted/savvy/whatever friends of mine) that everything that I point out as ironic is in fact, not ironic. For example, my Dad saw this driving school called ‘DIVA WHEELZ’ and I was cracking up with laughter, that’s ironic, right? The old biddy running it thought it was a fuckin’ brilltoast name in fact it’s cheesier than… an upper-middle class cheese board.

Apparently, I also see things ‘too differently’, another example of this ‘cryptic’ observational attitude of mine was my reaction to this dude I met and I think he’s called Carl but he just looks like a Carl and I don’t really know his name although he told me so let’s call him Carl, he has this crappy old Nokia phone that has a faux-gold plated rim and it’s so rad! I see it as a statement about society and all our flashy shit (and bling bling) and how we don’t need it to get shit done, as long as you have a sense of humour (as indicated by the flashiness of the rim) but apparently he doesn’t own the phone for that reason. It makes me sad that our generation don’t appreciate little, stupid perks of our meaningless lives and instead it takes a generic, idiotic, slapstick, whiney American multi-camera sitcom to make them flail all over facebook due to its cancellation after running for too many goddamn years (you got the fucking hint yet?)

Is it normal for a gal not to care about topshop and sluts r us?

Why does everyone fucking call each other a ‘ledge’? Is that meant to be representative of the meaning of Bill Withers’ ‘Lean on Me’?

I do not want to wear my g-ma’s best friend’s clothes for a hefty price because she is dead.

I don’t want to pretend to like Arctic Monkeys, attend their gigs, take photos on Instagram on my piePhone and post it to twitter and facebook for the INDIE CREDZZ because they are shit.

What the fuck is up with :3? It’s a ballsack with eyes, WHAT EMOTION IS THIS SUPPOSED TO CONVEY?

I wouldn’t be caught dead in a club because I can’t stand the sight of yoofs dancing to cuntish tripe.

I don’t want to take a ‘seductive’ photo of myself, post it to facebook and say “hoe em ghee, I’m so ugly L” and get 987 likes and a bunch of equally attention-seeking females telling me I’m “gorge bb”.

I don’t want to dance around like a slut in crystalised underwear and I don’t want to invest in the ‘dying’ cotton industry b/c a faux-twee shit tells me too.

I mean, I just want to listen to The Mats, Deer Tick, Cass McCombs and Dirty Projectors all day, everyday. I want to write for some dry, brilliantly underrated single-camera sitcom that will be cancelled after one season and then carry on with my unemployment watching more television and listening to more great music. I also want to make awesome, fuzzy mixtapes for everyone else like me and laugh at how the world doesn’t ‘get’ us.

I just want to live in a time where pretentiousness isn’t necessary, especially for a female to get by in life.

Can’t we all just chill the fuck out?

 p.s. buy Ben’s book, this was unpaid product placement courtesy of Sarah Sahim.

thanks sarah mate

sarah has a tumblr

sarah runs the blog 'damngoodshit'

sarah has twitter

i cant format blog posts

im sorry

guest post: lily dawn (hallo human persan)

The worst thing about winter holidays is that I don't have a family.

I used to have a very big family

but when my boyfriend and I broke up

he took his family with him

and now my old family belongs to another girl.

I wonder if they will give her the same type of gifts for christmas.

Today I walked past a store window downtown

decorated with a hundred beautiful artistic unique christmas tree ornaments

and started to cry.

I turned around

and went home.

I have been crying all day.

I keep thinking about how I don't have a family

and am completely alone in the world

without love.

I keep thinking of that Peter and Gordon song, "World Without Love."

I used to think it was really romantic,

but now I think it's really sad and depressing and makes me cry.

It's like I am living in that Four Tops tune, "It's The Same Old Song."

My cat Sanka spoons with me every night though so it's okay I guess.

I don't remember the last time I cried

but it's nice to know that I still have a soul,

somewhere inside me there is still a living soul.

I'm not a monster yet.

I have been on Celexa for over a month now for anxiety.

Friday I told the doctor that I still have frequent panic attacks.

I thought he would give me more xanax.

But instead I am no longer prescribed Celexa. Or xanax.

Now I am prescribed Prozac.

Tomorrow I start Prozac.

Prozac.

Prozac.

I'm not a monster yet.

lily has a blog

lily has a tumblr

lily has twitter

thanks lily mate

hi everyone

omg is this my actual hand

good morning persons. home suite home. i got back to london yesterday evening and then drank a beer and ate some foods with crispin and now i am at my desk and it is morning. the world is turnen i guess.

on the last day of den haag i think everyone was being fragile. we ate pea soup and then i walked to the hotel with francis. john boyne came into the hotel and said hellos. i said how i liked 'the boy in the striped pyjamas' and john said how he liked 'ed sheeran' so we went to watch ed sheeran play. then we watched the low anthem and i kept thinking 'if i vomit, where should i do it'. the cup i had in my hand was too small and had beer in it. i settled on 'into the hood of my hoodie' but then i didnt vomit anyway so w/e.

after that i had to read/answer questions on stage with anne roetman who had been translating my 'columns' into dutch. the interviewer asked if i liked it there and i said 'no i hate it and i want to go home'. i was worried about being sick still so i ran away to my hotel room after i read. that meant i missed peter and pola and sacha doing theirs which was sad but at least i didnt vomit on anyone.

in my hotel room i rewatched some 'between two ferns' for a while. at ~1.30am i decided to go to the 'afterparty'. there were big rooms and djs and things. people did dancing a lot. i think i tried to do dancing. at some point a male man started talking to us 'out of the blue' then i realised he was from newvillager and 'gushed' at him a bit. at ~4 we went back to the house of some nice dutch humans and had beers. i felt ill and walked back to the hotel. on the way i saw the humans from newvillager again and they were nice. i couldnt sleep at all so at ~7 i walked to the fake lake next to the dutch parliament and sat on a bench and stared at ducks. it was very foggy i couldnt see much. here is a picture of it out of google

i walked back to the hotel and still couldnt sleep. we had to meet in the hotel lobby at 10.30 to get the coach to antwerp. the coach was delayed by 2 hours via fog. when we got on it i was sat in front of adam levin. we discussed travel games we could play then we just played 'going to sleep'.

when we got to antwerp i went to my hotel room and fell asleep. i was woken up by a phonecall saying 'where is your column' again, so i wrote that, then slept more. at 9 i had to read before patrick wolf played. the audience were nice and did laughing. it seemed like a lot of people. then i had a beer and watched patrick wolf. on the last song he ran around the audience and danced with people and hugged them. what a keutie.

i went outside for a cigarette. some people asked me to sign books and i drew big wonky hearts on them. two boys from antwerp spoke to me and one said 'he came for patrick wolf and i came for you' and i thought 'that seems impossible'. they were being kind humans but i was not very good at talking via being tired. i wanted to watch more music but i just walked somewhere and bought a pizza and took it to my hotel room. it wasnt cut up and i didnt have cutlery so i tore it. they had english channels on tv. i watched 'im a celebrity get me out of here' and fell asleep. i had 2 very vivid dreams. in one i accidentally cut part of my penis off and got very anxious about it. in the other me and justin bieber became very good friends and then our relationship started to dissolve and i got very anxious about it.

there was a call at 6.15am from hotel reception and they said 'your driver to the airport is here'. i pushed lots of things into my bag and ran downstairs. on the drive, nickelback and the friends theme tune came on the radio and the driver turned them up. my flight wasnt for a long time. i ate a 'belgian breakfast' and wrote for a bit. i sat somewhere and looked at the planes and read. the people next to me on the plane were talking about xfactor. i tried to listen in to get 'up to date' with the hot gossip but i couldnt really understand.

feel like it sounds like i was complaining a lot about being ill/tired. actually it was lots fun. everyone was a bigheart and the places were pretty ettttttc. just maybe would have drank less on the first nights. guess i will try to write a new book now so they let me go again.

morning mug pic

humorous caption: my 3 favrit bands
serious caption: is it winter now

hope everyone is doing okay. remember to liv 2 the max btw. still people can do guestblogs if they want. think there are 2 guestblogs coming up. they will be very good btw. btw, is it okay to have a marmoset as a pet. okay byebye btw

guest post: lexie reed (hallo human persan)

yesterday i had to go to this picture company in the mall for a job interview! i did not feel nervous but i did not want to go inside either! i told my friend that i didn't want to go inside but he just looked at me and bit into a big cinnamon pretzel! i thought "hey, gimmie that pretzel!" but i just went inside instead! i could not remember the lady from the phone call's name, so i just walked toward a person and announced that i had an interview scheduled! the person whispered "oh yeah, i'll go get her, you can have a seat if you want to." i didn't want any of the seats, but i sat down in a small black chair anyways! it squeaked and i felt my face turn red because i felt overweight! i coughed very loudly in case the seat decided to squeak again while i crossed my legs! a lady with scarlet red highlights in her hair came out of an office and said "hi i am bonita! (boe-neat-uh) i thought, wow that is spanish for pretty and i need to stop focusing on her hair! we sat on a couch in the mall outside of the store where old folks sit when they are tired! one old folk had a little boy named andrew with him! i told bonita i liked kids a lot and said hi to andrew! bonita, andrew, and i sat on the couch and bonita joked that andrew could help me with my interview! i thought "i'm going to need your help, andrew," and he looked at me like he thought i needed his help! i answered questions! i laughed at jokes that may have not been jokes! i told andrew and bonita about my hamster and the little hamster croissants my mom bought for him to eat! i said bye to andrew and bonita said "i like you so i am going to hire you!" i resisted the urge to tell her that i am not a lez but that i would take the job! i filled out paper work! the person i walked at has a name and it is candy! i like candy the treat, but i do not know if i will like candy the person! i was holding my coat in both of my hands and felt self conscious but i kept holding it anyways! i am not excited about my job, really, but after all of that i bought a cinnamon pretzel and ate it on the carousel in the food court! that was fun!!! 

lexie reed is from texas
lexie reed has a tumblr
lexie reed has twitter
lexie reed has a wordpress


thanks lexie mate