for the next 2-5 days i will be tweeting 'a brief history of the arctic'

@ben_brooks

dad gave me a 'fuck everything' tattoo it hurt a lot

tweets I might have done if I could have used twitter at awp which I couldn’t because no battery and also costs a lot I think

(me and crispin went to Chicago for 5 days for awp to touch people and this is late because I’ve been sleeping for two days)

if I never saw anyone again what would ‘be left’ and does that mean anything

I wish this girl would stop crying

I’m wearing this girl’s boyfriend’s clothes aren’t I

it would be funny if he came home and beat me ‘to a pulp’

her hair smells like being 14

she said ‘I’ll sleep on the futon’ and left the room

feel lost

she came back in and I said ‘should I just go or something’ and she said ‘no’ and got into bed

on the way out noticed an unfolded futon with sheet, duvet, and 3 pillows on it

I am my least favourite person out of the people who are here

feel very positive about everyone, seems suspicious

omar sent me a text asking if I’d seen a gun and I thought how it would have been good if he was here

getting ‘fuck everything’ tattooed on my belly is a good idea

from now until forever every woman who takes off my top will read ‘fuck everything’

can I still be a dad

if I go to jail will they think I’m in a gang

am I in a gang

I don’t feel like I’m in a gang

tattoos that people gave each other: Cassandra did a ‘satanic cat’ on will and it looked sweet. she also did ‘ok’ on Maggie, ‘II C’ on me, ‘II C’ on Michael, ‘fuck everything’ on me, ‘mortal’ on Michael (o was a heart), ‘I am going to die’ on Mallory, me and Michael did ‘II C’ on Cassandra, and Michael did ‘hi’ on Cassandra

are we allowed to be in this room and why are we in it and not in the dancing area

okay in the dancing area now looking for xtx with noah

noah asked the dj to say ‘can xtx come to the front’ and the dj said no

drinking shots to james chapman

am I going to pass out

seems possible

I hope when I wake up there is a kind nurse touching me and I make a full recovery and marry the kind nurse

I hope me and the kind nurse get a dog and it is allowed in our bed, but only on Sunday mornings and never under the cover

should just complement everyone on their readings by saying ‘kafkaesque’ to them and winking

Jordan is cool I hope he puts ‘the pedal to the metal’ and then we crash

I should go to ohio and enrol at kent and study whatever noah just said to study

andrew’s food looks better than mine

noah’s food looks better than mine

‘vegetables in water’

noah saying ‘pffffffffffffffffffffffffffff’

everyone is good

gene morgan is playing metallica on his phone I think

mike kitchell is being very nice his pupils are big

‘party party’

everyone seems good at reading

there are a lot of people here

feel worried about lily and grateful that when I look sad she comes and does a hug

why am I not saying anything

everyone is good at jokes

noah is gentle and thoughtful

my belly hurts

my belly says ‘fuck everything’ on it

we got thrown out of wanderlust for rolling about

went to the toilet, splashed water on myself, told a manager that a urinal did it and got a refund

(I only ever urinate sitting down)

climbed over some seats and hit my head against the screen

asked the security guard to be quiet so we could keep watching

sat down on the escalator as we were being kicked out and imagined being eaten by it

while asking cab driver ‘how much would it cost for us to drive into a tree very quickly’ expected him to say ‘$3000’

told the cab driver ‘you should times our fare by three, as a joke’ and expected him to do it, as a joke

should email Stephen and ask if we can roll around on cinema floors ‘professionally’ and forever

I wish Cassandra was my real dad

I don’t want to not live with Cassandra and Maggie and Michael and Crispin

everyone should get an ‘immortality pass’ and what happens is you give it to someone and that person can live forever if that person wants to

Cassandra took us to the airport and it was sad and we said how she is one of the best humans the world has managed to make

good job, world

I don’t remember last night

I’m in my bedroom again

Nothing is going to happen

in bed naked and smoking and watching whatever films are on bbciplayer

I didn’t get to say goodbye to Michael I hope he’s alive

on the plane back I read the no hellos diet and morocco and some of hurt others and felt like I really wanted something but didn’t know what it was

the plane was empty so people were allowed to lie down

meals: ‘cheese lasagne’, ‘turkey and cheese croissant’

life is like the lion king because good lions and bad lions die in it

no wait i'm not doing this again yet

we made it (histry) my hed feals lite

good morning. it's december now. i forgot that sort of. we did blogs agen seems like. i liked reading them all. it was fun. it's colder now. hi everyone

daily picture for the lst time evr

humorous caption: ****
serious caption: i. cant. believe. it's. over.

i'm taking a break from the internets. my attention span is 'zero' and i've stopped reading and i've stopped writing. there is stuff i'm supposed to do and i'm not doing it. until i've finished a new book i wont blog/go on facebook/talk on gmail/use twitter/read things online. i'm going to check my emails twice a day. once in the morning and once when it goes dark. im going to ask some people if they want my twitter account for ~a week but probably they wont. i think i will lose ~75 followers.

today i am going to go and read and then i have to get a train to a meeting. i dont feel like i will say anything in the meeting. i feel scared of going outside today. feel like as soon as i go outside a lion will try to eat me and i will say 'why is this happening' and it will say 'this is 'the outside' you arent in bed now jesus'

if anyone wants anything or wants to just be talking people
then my email is
brooksben at hotmail dot co dot uk
feel like i will get better at responding to emails now

thanks for being nice humans everyone
nightnight

i like being tired and not having to do anything which is all the time i guess

i could probably save the plant in my room from dying

but I am not going to

when I have plants the plants die

i wanted a bonsai tree for like a year

then I got one and I let it die

i kept it on my windowsill

and it had no leaves

and it looked good like that, I thought

it is probably not good to have a lot of dead things in your bedroom

it probably depletes your heart or something

i feel as terrible as a cactus

hm

i feel like a pencil case that used to have pencils in but doesn’t have pencils in anymore

just a tiny eraser and a 2p coin

not really im being stupid

i feel like a human person lying in a bed at 3oclock on a Thursday

thinking about doing a lot of things

understanding that I am not going to do any of them

i don’t know why my brain still thinks about doing things

seems like

stupid

seems a waste of time/energy/brainstuff

i want my brain to not think about doing things that I am not going to do

like washing or cooking or replying to emails

or writing another book

feels like that isn’t happening

imagine if you won a Pulitzer prize

did you imagine it

i am imagining it

feel like my speech would be dumb if I won one

because I’d be ‘in shock’ or something

it would probably be

‘thank you for this Pulitzer prize’

or like

‘this is great I love this’

i wish my dreams were plots from YA novels

because they have been very serious lately

and I am worried about what that means

like I had this one four days ago

where I kept watching this man secretly rape children

and I was like ‘better not tell an adult otherwise he will rape me too’

but then I did

and he tried

and the dream ended with me in a room

and him outside the room

and him saying ‘let me in’

and me saying ‘no you’ll just rape me if I let you in’

i felt heavy when I woke up

but I did what I always do

i boiled the kettle and made a cigarette and sat at the desk upstairs

i typed on my computer while thinking

i hate this

jesus

sometimes

right before I fall asleep

i say

see you tomorrow

to myself

ufsi daisy

good morning person. how is the world today. seems quiet. my arms have been heavy lately. sometimes they will get 'too heavy' midway through doing something and i will stop doing it. feel like this blogpost will be long/have lots of pictures in it. here is a picture that a kind human man took of copies of grow up in a 'hmv' (i think) in it i am hanging out with my pals brett and fran and hunter.

listening to 'dashboard confessional' right now. want to drink tea but dont want to make tea. halp. okay going to make tea. okay the kettle is boiling right now. not sure why i put this jumper on. it isnt cold. just 'seemed natural'. okay made tea.

some pictures from crossing border appeared. here is a picture of me reading before patrick wolf. hi people. people were very quiet and did laughing in the right places.

here is a 'backstage' pic. i hadnt slept and didnt want to be in any pics.

here is a picture of humans on the bus to antwerp. i was going to label it but now im not. if you look on the middle left you can see adam levin's bald head and i am sat one in front of him.

sorry for all the pictures. have i ruined everything. here is one more picture. it is of me talking to people in front of other people.

okay. 'enough of that'. just imagined a tv advert shown during a war where a woman takes something out of an oven and turns to a camera and says 'i crumble under pressure' then her/her family (minus the 'drafted' men) sit around a table and eat the 'apple crumble' with ice cream.

My friends call me ‘the grasshopper’ because this one time I crawled under my bed and rubbed my face against the carpet until my carpet burns were so severe that I passed out

Not really

My friends call me ‘blaze’ because this one time I was walking a dog and then I gave the dog away to a man because he looked said and I associate dogs with happiness even though they cant smile

Not really

My friends call me ‘gaystyles’ because this one time I spent 33 hours on the internet

Not really

My friends call me ‘one leg short of a chair’ because this one time I cried in the bath until the bath was overflowing and then I called a plumber and the plumber just told me ‘the problem is inside of your hart’

Not really

I only have ~ 3 friends and they mostly call me ‘ben’

I never really had a nickname except for when I was 10 and the girl I had flute lessons with called me ‘benjamin bunny’ sometimes

We’d always go back to our classroom to get our coats after flute and the classroom would be empty because school would be over and I’d say ‘let’s have sex’

One she said ‘fine’ and I just stared at her for a while and then left

here is the spanish version of grow up

breaking up that text baby. what a considerate guy. dw there is more eye candy to come. feel really hungry but feel like after I eat food I nearly always feel ‘emotionally drained’. feel like i get the same feeling after eating as i get after engaging in a mild to moderatelyserious argument. just thought 'shit i havent drunk my tea' then took a big gulp of it then felt 'overwhelmingly moronic' for a second. 

Pablo poveda came to stay for a couple of nights and we talked about writing books and luna Miguel and tao lin and jordan castro. On the first night I was tired from not sleeping. We met up at 1 and went to drink beers and then got a train home and drank more beers. I went to bed at like 7pm and slept for a long time. The next day I felt bad and I went and sat in my room and tried to work but just watched ‘book klub’ again and then felt less bad. Then we drank and stayed up and talked more and cooked and I felt better and it was good. Pablo’s ladyfriends from notting hill came over and I think one of them might have been wearing fur but im not sure. We played knuckles and I’ve got a few big scabs today. He had to wake up early this morning to catch his plane. Byebyepablo. Feel like the whole time I wanted to call him ‘pebbles’ but I didn’t really have ‘the balls’

here is the catalan version of grow up. when they sold catalan rights i said 'what's that' and so did my mum

in spain people wear kilts and wield red baseball bats seems like. should i try to take author photos where i am 'flipping the bird'. not sure. yelawolf said that when he got a picture with justin bieber he tried to 'flip the bird' but justin bieber's manager wouldnt let him. good try yela. 

Feel like it might be time to work out what my ‘brand’ is. I am pretty ‘all over the place’.  I wrote books where the words were different sizes and then I wrote a book about bored teenagers where the words were the same size. I gave some money away on twitter.  I shouted in some tinychats. I started blogging again. Would like people to think of me as ‘that guy who [defining characteristic of new brand]’. Maybe ‘that guy who writes about feet’. Or ‘the guy who cooks very well’. Or ‘that guy who invented [new way of writing]’.

nothing is going to happen again is it

hope everyone in the world is good

email me if you want to do guestblogs still

or if you want to be interview by me in my inimitable interviewing style

brooksben at hotmail dawt co dawt uk

nightnighthumans