Gordon Brown is our primeminister. Nobody ever voted for him to be primeminister. People voted for Tony Blair but then he got embarrassed and went away. Not many people like him. He is not very good looking. 'Somehow' he got blamed for 'the worldwide recession' just because he was chancellor for a bit one time. He is boring. When the volcano exploded and people were stuck 'on the continent' he sent two navy ships to fetch some people and lots of people were like 'you twat' because he was doing it to get votes. As a joke some people called him 'Admiral Brown'. Pretty much for a while he was like 'i am never going to win anything ever again'.
David Cameron is the conservative hat. For a while he was like 'I am going to win' and some people were like 'I like that Cameron guy'. Pretty much everyone hates him again now because he is shit. He is creepy and aloof.
He has tried repeatedly to look like a normal human being. The only way he could 'win back' support would be if this poster said 'my dad used to wank off every night'.
There was a debate on ITV as part of the campaigns. It was on prime time. Nick Clegg is the Liberal Democrat smile. Turns out nobody knew he existed which is why he wasnt do very well in the polls. Suddenly he is 'more popular than churchill' and 'the british obama'. I think we have had a labour or conservative government for 100-150 years????????? who knows???????????
Fuck it. We are saved. Dave is angry at Nick because he thinks there will be a hung parliament now and Nick will side with Gord because Gord brown nosed him. Gord is happy about it.
Seems like i am not good enough to say i will do something then actually do it. the people posts thing. the people will continue in themselves. feel funny today. la cocaina no es buena para su salud. isnt this thrilling. a cathedral of flies. just found out strawburry17 works as a receptionist for a construction company. feel mild shock. just watched a ten minute strawburry17 blogtv. have an exam at 11.00am tomorrow. probably it would have been best to look at things related to that instead. perhaps. i am going to give up cigarettes and atheism soon. hey does someone want to play a ball game. in bed last night i kept screaming at random and she kept saying 'you're weird' which is fine. tweed. i am going to use this space to revise now. sorry, i was midway through a study. the participant and the confederate were then sat opposite each other with the participant at the computer. the confederate was asked to read aloud a list of words and the role of the participant was to type them into the computer using the fucking keyboard. after 3 minutes the two were told that they were benders and also that they had to swap roles. before testing began the participant and the confederate kissed but also were told not to touch the alt key as it would cause the program to crash and data to be lost. confederates altered the speed of reading the letter to the participant depending on which condition they had been allocated. after 60 seconds into testing the computer crashed and the experimenter accused the participant of hitting the alt key. to manipulate false incriminating evidence the confederate was asked whether they had seen the participant press the alt key. this was varied across the conditions. that was actually quite useful. good. will sleep at 10 and wake at 5 maybe. received 14 responses to strawburry17 but will post none of them because that was a lie. humbugs. the humbugs would be a good name for an electro band or a television programme about a group of naughty children. i thought today that most of the things which make me happy are american. for example strawburry17, sex in the city, the daily show and james chapman. for this reason i will move to america. earlier i thought 'it would be fun to type thoughts about everyone that follows this blog' and then i thought 'no that would be just as dull and dead as everything else that appears on here'. okay i hope people are ripe and christian.
I feel bad this wont be a very good one as i dont feel great. but Noah Cicero is great. he is probably my favourite blogging writer. He wrote the human war, the condemned, burning babies, treatise and the insurgent. i have given the human war to various girls i dont speak to at school. afterwards they sometimes say 'i really liked it' or 'it was really weird'. i have the review pdf of the insurgent. it is wonderful. i think noah said he wrote it 3 years ago. that feels really strange. he deserves to be bought several marble houses and a tree that can be milked.
A few days ago Noah did an interview with tim nogaj for word riot. Here is my favourite bit:
"TN: Cho, the Virginia Tech shooter, is talked about. When something like the VT massacre occurs, the media portrays it as an isolated incident. The person or persons who committed the act must be insane. Vasily and Chang live an abject existence that would probably not be alien to Cho or Ted Kaczynski or Timothy Mcveigh or the Columbine shooters or Joe Stack. What is the relation between the “crazy” murderers and the “innocent” victims?
NC: The strangest thing is that the crazy person sees themselves as innocent. The crazy person considers themselves a victim. But they misdirect and take revenge upon those they consider their victimizers. One Man killers are a symptom of capitalism. They can’t relate to other people because they have been alienated by the economic structure that has been turned into a religion and a social structure. Since there is no REAL alternate voice for the alienated, they end up being alone. When they are alone they start thinking strange thoughts and because they have no friends their thoughts get stranger and stranger. One of the reasons humans talk to each other is to see if our thoughts are strange. Or one of the reasons say Christians or racists only talk to each other is to make sure that their thoughts aren’t interrupted. But the crazy murderer is left alone, with their thoughts getting weirder and weirder. They can’t join a group because groups aren’t really allowed in America so they start to blame all of humanity. They don’t care who they kill because everyone is against them. They consider themselves one man guerilla armies fighting the social contract that keeps them alienated. But Cho killed himself knowing that his battle was useless, he could never destroy the social contract, it was too big and too strong."
It feels like most people who read this blog will already be quite familiar with noah anyway.
Also, starting from the last post, the next 30 posts will contain a portion dedicated to strawburry17. it will be called 'strawburry17 month' even though it will probably last over a month because i am incapable of blogging every day. i just thought 'but people dont like her as much as i do' so i will cut this down to the next 10 post but i will still call it strawburry17 month. it will be introduced in lame ways each time.
Now, for your second dose of Strawburry! (see?)
if you took her speech out of this video and just left the music and video then it would seem like she was spearheading some sort of insurgency.
and again
feels like her brother looks 20% better looking in that video.
please email me creative responses to strawburry17 videos or 'her in general' and i will post them here. it will be so fun. brooksben@hotmail.co.uk
next post will feature parodies of strawburry17 videos.
also mephedrone, the synthetic stimulant and entactogen drug of the amphetamine and cathinone classes, has today been made illegal in the UK. it already illegal in lots of places. it is not illegal in america. you lucky things you.
Strawburry17 is an 'internet sensation' sort of. She makes youtube videos. She also blogs, twitters, worships and sells tshirts with her name on them. Her real name is Meghan Camarena. The above video is the first of hers I saw. For some reason I think I saw it on Chris Killen's blog. I watch the video pretty much a couple of times a day because it keeps me from throwing myself off buildings. If I found out the world was going to end then I would want to be under the influence of entactogens and repeatedly watching this video while moving my hips and singing, staring into her eyes. Really really.
Her brother frequently participates in the videos. Although his roles tend to be minor. He rarely even pretends to be singing although in the above video he does come in on select words for emphasis. He gets quite excited during the key change. I feel like probably he would be a really stand-up guy. Comments on the video tend to focus on him e.g “whats with the guy”, “creepy guy is creepy”, “stalker dude is awesome”. Other comments include “she has a good voice”, “i dont even know how the fuck i wound up here”, “what kind of girl is this”.
Oh shit I just had a sort of moment while watching the above video. It was sort of like “oh fuck it everything is great I believe in God i'm going to go and get married to a girl that never stops smiling now.” But such moments only last about as long as nitrous oxide. Which is sad I guess. Hm.
Really like her shoes in this one.
Favourite part: where she turns around and is wearing sunglasses.
Favourite comment: 'i think i might have insomnia'
2nd favourite part: end on the railway
2nd favourite comment: 'It makes me feel so happy to realize that I'm not alone in the lifelong battle of living and serving Christ my Savior and Redeemer. Thank you for not giving up the Christian race and showing others who you really are!'
Most recent twitter at time of writing: 'Thanks Burries for coming to my show!!! it was sew much FUN! <33333'
Choice quotes from the Strawburry17 blog:
-'Breathing without believing
each breath that i take
wont be my last
chance to change
who I am.'
-'Opinion: A personal assumption of the way a person perceives the reality of a situation, person, or topic. Not always but often times can be based off a stereo typed conclusion influenced by appearance, first impression, religion, sexuality, wealth, ect.'
-'I cannot stop time.'
-'Would you date a smoker?: No.'
-'Are you a happy person: Oh yes! Very.'
-'What do you wish?' I want a pet dragon like in Eragon.
Interview With Crispin Best RE Strawburry17
oh can i interview you quickly RE strawburry17
crispinendeavours: oh SHIT
me: whatssake
crispinendeavours: what?
oofcourse
me: what?
CAN I
fucking flickering lamp
crispinendeavours: aohyeh
me: okay
read?
ready
crispinendeavours: ok then
me: okay then
how do you feel about strawburry17?
crispinendeavours: i don't understand what she is
me: you dont remember the owl city videos?
crispinendeavours: i feel like i would quite like to put her face between my hands and then decide
i know who you are talking about
me: oh phew
good
would you consider sleeping with her?
crispinendeavours: sure - it would make you laugh, i think, but there are probably ~a dozen reasons it would a be negative development in my life
"be a"
me: im just trying to find out but for some reason i think she is 24
crispinendeavours: i don't think that is her age
me: i do
crispinendeavours: i think her age is 'exactly 17'
me: what
no way
crispinendeavours: says so on her channel name
me: oh shit
would you sleep with her if she was 17 and you were in mexico or japan
(just checked, shes 22)
crispinendeavours: think, funnily enough (though it sounds like you are referring to a legal impediment), being in those countries would certainly improve the likelihood that i would have sex with someone much younger than me because i think i am more 'fun' in foreign countries, and less 'imposing and dull'
22 seems kind of hilarious
me: 22 seems sort of upsetting
i hope its a lie
it says that on her blogger
crispinendeavours: probably not a lie
me: =[
crispinendeavours: incredible news
what are you sad about, ben?
me: she will call me young and not touch me
ill get a fake passport
right
are you ready to creatively respond to strawburry17 quotes?
crispinendeavours: ok i will try to
me: "I walk blindly in a comatose state of complacency."
crispinendeavours: be careful, strawburry17. would like to throw a soft ball at her face at this time
me: "There's a taste in my mouth that's kept me from eating
not physical food but the nourishment I'm needing
To breathe
To grow
To overcome
To know
That what was inflicted
Could not be predicted."
crispinendeavours: didn't need that rhyme at the end. things were going gangbusters without it. think it should be 'which' rather than 'what'? sounds kind of 'thuggish', strawb
me: haha, and finally
"The "box" and its four small walls, built out of pre conceived thoughts, enclosed with the bondage of stereo typical allegations justified by previous acquaintances claiming to be the same but acted in a hypocritical manner.
This box.
Cannot contain me."
crispinendeavours: funny. actually when you asked me what i thought of her earlier i thought 'i would like to put her in a box', but that sounded aggressive. i just meant kind of a 'quite large cardboard box' where i could let her think about things for a while. then i would let her out and see how it felt. i'd like to experience being in a 'quite large cardboard box' through the medium of strawburry17
she said bondage, also, which is funny
me: she probably felt queasy saying it
crispinendeavours: i expect so - i don't know what the 'episcopalian' (guess) stance on bondage is...
me: probably 'frowned upon'
she said this 'The next man i kiss will be after the words "I do." '
i do not think this means she is getting married soon
crispinendeavours: 'do you want to kiss me?'
me: ahahahaahahh
crispinendeavours: seems like a pretty easy way for you to 'bypass' that particular problem
me: thanks mate
crispinendeavours: from there you can get to sex no problem. i saw a news report today about a 25 yr old teacher who had 'drunken sex' with her 16 yr old pupil
that could be you and strawb!!
me: i saw that too
crispinendeavours: just make sure she is wearing pyjama bottoms
me: she took him and friends to her house and played games with them
she will do that to us
do you have a favourite strawburry17 moment?
crispinendeavours: i don't know - i think i prefer another 'fanvid' of owl city, which is to do with the dentistry song
me: im sort of horrified
you are supposed to say 'the bit where she pulls the balloon up'
when asked "What do you need?" strawburry17 replied "more of God". what do you think she needs more of?
crispinendeavours: God, probably
i'm not here to argue with her. i think her life is probably more satisfactory than mine. ultimately she will die more calmly than me. she will probably have a more fruitful and fulfilling romantic life than me
more of God
me: oh for sure
than both of us
than anyone i know
i would like to participate in it in some way
lastly
please try to guess what size feet she has
no googling!
crispinendeavours: i think she has size 4 'US'
me: one more guess
(you were wrong)
crispinendeavours: 6 'US'
me: wrong again
size 8
bit of a surprise eh?
crispinendeavours: i am surprised actually
me: yes
but it came straight from the horses mouth
is that the saying
or is it something elses mouth
thankyou for talking about strawburry17 to me
i think my internet is going to go
it might already be gone
shit
*highly offensive screenshots removed*
Okay this was quite a lot of work. Im going to go and make tea now. I should put a disclaimer or something here. I genuinely do like her a lot. Good morning. I'm going to ask her to marry me via formspring now. 'an offer she cant refuse'.
I have a poem on Ana Carrete's new thing new wave vomit. The poem is pretty not good and unlike how i write and horribly explicitly truthful. probably i will wind up actually using it in bed. It is called Important Post-Coital Speech, Memorise!
*Announcement* Tomorrow i will post on this blog the manuscript for a novella i wrote and hated. i sent it to carah naseem who said a nice thing and to james chapman but told him to delete it before he read it and also to publishing genius press but then though 'stupid' and withdrew it. I will post it at whenever i wake up and delete it at whenever i'm about to go to sleep. It is called Katyushka Stopped The Wind. 'hey, why are you posting something you think is bad. are you a gaylord or something?' umm. *Announcement*
*Announcement* On wednesday i will begin a series of posts about people on the internet. i will do one every two days. the posts will be low quality and include thoughts and feelings. often the posts will be about people i have no idea who they are. *Announcement*
*Confession* today i changed part of Tao Lin's wikipedia to say "Lin's next book, Richard's Mates, his second novel, is forthcoming September 7 2010 from Melville House Publishing." not really sure why i did this. i like tao lin. im going to change it back in the morning. i guess i was just bored. revision is really boring. *Confession*
Just got back from london. went with dan and oscar and mollie and stayed with crispin best and met with rebecca perry.
we arrived at 10.45am. we went to the mcdonalds at oxford circus because i said it had wifi and i could look up where the saatchi gallery was. it didnt have wifi but i got to have a happy meal. i wasnt really bothered about the wifi. dan phoned his brother and got him to look it up on the internet. the stop was sloane square. we didnt get off at sloane square. we got off somewhere else and tried to walk to sloane square. we got directions off of a man wearing a luminous jacket and later a thin postman and eventually we got there.
it was indian art exhibition or something. i dont really want to talk about it. the best thing there was probably this dead camel in a suitcase or the room half filled with crude oil so it reflected the other half of the room and you couldnt tell that it was a room half filled with crude oil. mollie was touching the camel in the suitcase so a man appeared and said 'no touching'. there was one thing that was pictures of women in burkhas made out of tiny porn scenes. two old people went 'how fabulous' and pressed their noses very close to the porn pictures.
after that we went to camden and had a water pipe and mint tea and felt quite cool. on the way there an attractive latino girl asked me to borrow a lighter and i lent her a lighter and then felt good and then turned around and a tall black man said 'i bet you felt like the coolest man alive just then' and after he said that i didnt anymore.
we met crispin best and rebecca perry at around 6pm in a pub called the chantos. crispin said chantos was a man but couldnt be any more specific. we drank ale that cost 2pounds a pint. later we moved pubs and drank ale that cost 2pounds a pint. later rebecca perry left and we went to another pub and i drank beer that cost 2.05 a pint and dan drank cola and crispin spent 6pounds on monopoly on the quiz machine but failed to win anything because he was often reckless and failed to use his passes when unsure of questions.
when we went back to crispins i drank vodka with orange juice and then crispin went into the other room and we went to sleep.
after i had been led in bed for maybe half an hour or something sleeping crispin came to wake me up so that i would go through to the other room and wave at chris killen and socrates adams-florou on webcam. he said they didnt believe i was there. being tired and sort of drunk i just put my head in front of the camera and then went back to bed. in retrospect i should have made a joke. maybe the one about why girls get periods. i like chris killens glasses. he is cute. i want to read socrates' novel.
this morning we got on the coach and left london. it was relatively uneventful. someone recently got stabbed in victoria coach station i think but nobody got stabbed today, so far. probably im going to eat a cornish pasty in a minute.
Strange and inconsistent review of FENCES by Joyce Rice
Facts about joyce rice: -if you google her name the first 3 results are estate agents.
the review was quite funny. it was on 'curled up with a good book'. FENCES IS A 2 STAR BOOK NOW!!!!!!! if it was a hotel then my mum would refuse to stay in it. 2 stars is the worst i have ever seen it rated. exciting.
here are some things that were said and how i felt about them: -"an impressive new literary style of prose and poetry." this was nice of joyce rice but also strange because later she referred to the style as "disjointed at best and unplanned at worst".
-" To say this is a new art form is to give this style credibility." this felt good. this made me feel like damien hirst or something. 'is it art? is it not art? astounding. shitty'.
-"This reviewer finds the style cumbersome in its reading for content, much like a jigsaw puzzle where pieces are missing and the puzzle master cannot complete the picture because those pieces are not present." i thought about this bit 'wtf is a puzzlemaster?'. it seems like the puzzle master shouldnt be the one doing the puzzle but the one who made the puzzle. i made the puzzle. i could do the puzzle easy. if it means 'puzzle master' like 'guy who is really good at puzzles' then they cant be a real 'puzzle master' or else they would have solved the 'puzzle'. puzzle is looking less and less like a real word. puzzzzzzzle. puzile. puzol. puzul. seems like there is room for sexual interpretations of this review.
-"a worthy purchase for those who enjoy “on the edge” poetry or prose" this felt extremely sexual and i felt uncomfortable reading it. i have never met joyce rice and never done anything 'sexually' with or to her. -"There are some language issues in it that make it inappropriate for anyone under the age of 17." this was my absolute favourite bit and made me grin for <3minutes.>
-This review recommends this purchase only for public library collections or literary collections in academia." this seemed unreasonable. like she is saying 'people shouldnt buy this book, only institutions or whatever should'. i think people should buy it and not libraries. the book is too wide to fit on a library shelf. but if you have it at home you can just use it to put coffee on or whatever.
so it was good reading the review. it must have made people buy it because FENCES is currently 'temporarily out of stock' on amazon. however there are copies on amazon from powells. and also a used copy is there for '$56.08' and a new one is there for '$57.22'. that is good news. if anyone wants to buy a copy off me for '$57.22' then i will wipe my blood on it, get my dog to lick it, tape my fingernail clippings to the cover and write anagrams for words used in the book beside or above those words in the book.
i hope everyone is naked and jogging. it is a warm day here. who knows about america or iran. who knows.
Today is the Queen's Birthday. Happy bday lizzy.
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