we made it (histry) my hed feals lite

good morning. it's december now. i forgot that sort of. we did blogs agen seems like. i liked reading them all. it was fun. it's colder now. hi everyone

daily picture for the lst time evr

humorous caption: ****
serious caption: i. cant. believe. it's. over.

i'm taking a break from the internets. my attention span is 'zero' and i've stopped reading and i've stopped writing. there is stuff i'm supposed to do and i'm not doing it. until i've finished a new book i wont blog/go on facebook/talk on gmail/use twitter/read things online. i'm going to check my emails twice a day. once in the morning and once when it goes dark. im going to ask some people if they want my twitter account for ~a week but probably they wont. i think i will lose ~75 followers.

today i am going to go and read and then i have to get a train to a meeting. i dont feel like i will say anything in the meeting. i feel scared of going outside today. feel like as soon as i go outside a lion will try to eat me and i will say 'why is this happening' and it will say 'this is 'the outside' you arent in bed now jesus'

if anyone wants anything or wants to just be talking people
then my email is
brooksben at hotmail dot co dot uk
feel like i will get better at responding to emails now

thanks for being nice humans everyone
nightnight

i like being tired and not having to do anything which is all the time i guess

i could probably save the plant in my room from dying

but I am not going to

when I have plants the plants die

i wanted a bonsai tree for like a year

then I got one and I let it die

i kept it on my windowsill

and it had no leaves

and it looked good like that, I thought

it is probably not good to have a lot of dead things in your bedroom

it probably depletes your heart or something

i feel as terrible as a cactus

hm

i feel like a pencil case that used to have pencils in but doesn’t have pencils in anymore

just a tiny eraser and a 2p coin

not really im being stupid

i feel like a human person lying in a bed at 3oclock on a Thursday

thinking about doing a lot of things

understanding that I am not going to do any of them

i don’t know why my brain still thinks about doing things

seems like

stupid

seems a waste of time/energy/brainstuff

i want my brain to not think about doing things that I am not going to do

like washing or cooking or replying to emails

or writing another book

feels like that isn’t happening

imagine if you won a Pulitzer prize

did you imagine it

i am imagining it

feel like my speech would be dumb if I won one

because I’d be ‘in shock’ or something

it would probably be

‘thank you for this Pulitzer prize’

or like

‘this is great I love this’

i wish my dreams were plots from YA novels

because they have been very serious lately

and I am worried about what that means

like I had this one four days ago

where I kept watching this man secretly rape children

and I was like ‘better not tell an adult otherwise he will rape me too’

but then I did

and he tried

and the dream ended with me in a room

and him outside the room

and him saying ‘let me in’

and me saying ‘no you’ll just rape me if I let you in’

i felt heavy when I woke up

but I did what I always do

i boiled the kettle and made a cigarette and sat at the desk upstairs

i typed on my computer while thinking

i hate this

jesus

sometimes

right before I fall asleep

i say

see you tomorrow

to myself